- Ghostwriting Sample - Not for Publication -

This is a sample chapter from a book I ghostwrote for a client
about how to manage a marriage like a business.

1. The Merger: Your First Joint Planning Project

Once you’ve decided to merge your hearts, your lives, your families and your finances, you've taken the first step toward a lifetime of collaboration. As a newly-merged entity, planning a wedding (or planning to move in together) represents the first major project you’ll take on as a couple. In this chapter I've used wedding planning as a model to illustrate the ways in which couples can work as a team when faced with a detailed, daunting organizational challenge. I hereby welcome you to your first joint venture. Your next one might be buying a house, moving across the country or having your first child.

Prior to any corporate merger, a company performs a process called "due diligence." This is a process of exposure and discovery in which one party investigates another to determine if there are enough synergies and complements to create a suitable match. This process is painstaking, and involves evaluating the potential for blending the two cultures, two sets of values and the unique visions of each entity. Sometimes these matches are a resounding success, like the merger of AT&T and Cingular. At other times, mergers can spell disaster, as in the case of Time Warner and AOL.

While you may not be a corporate mogul, you probably experienced something similar to the process of due diligence when you fell in love and decided to spend your lives together. Now that the due diligence is done and a merger is in the works, planning a wedding is an excellent example of how to use the principles outlined in this book. With the understanding that not all couples have weddings, I'm using a wedding to illustrate how project planning in your personal life relates to project planning in the business world using these seven principles:

1. Visions & Values - What's important?
2. Strategic Planning - What are the goals?
3. Financial Planning - How much will we pay to realize our goals?
4. Defining Job Descriptions - Who does what?
5. Project Management - How do we organize this?
6. Performance Review - How are we doing?
7. Managing Change - What happens if things don't go as planned?

When launching any project, whether it’s buying a billion dollar company or choosing a wedding gown, these principles are tried-and-true.

1. Visions and Values

During the process of due diligence, companies identify the unique Visions and Values of each entity to see if they'll work well together in terms of goals, motivations, style, culture, ethics, behaviors and other criteria. If you're ready to set up house together, it's assumed that you've already established an acceptable blend of these elements, but the process begins anew when planning a wedding.

Each of you brings a unique set of expectations, ideas and motivations to this project. For example, one of you may want a big, formal wedding because it fulfills a fantasy you've had since childhood, while the other wants to elope because he/she doesn't like to be the center of attention. Other motivating factors might include the desire to impress friends and family with an elaborate formal affair, acquiring expensive wedding presents, following religious or cultural traditions or succumbing to pressure from your mother to have the wedding she's always wanted for you.

The first step in planning a wedding involves establishing your common Visions and Values, and the way to begin is by defining your "non negotiables."

In the business world, the term “non negotiable” refers to a price or an agreement which is firmly established and cannot be adjusted. For example, a big company buys a smaller company, and the big company wants the right to select the leadership team for the smaller company. This is a non-negotiable term of the contract. If the smaller company doesn’t agree, there’s no deal. Another example a little closer to home would be renting an apartment. The lease says that no pets are allowed. You can beg, plead and bribe, but the landlord is adamant about this point. It is not negotiable.
One of the goals that Keith and I shared was for our guests to have a lot of fun at the reception. This may seem pretty straightforward, but it required some tough discussions with my parents, since one of our requirements was to include alcohol. My family of conservative Christians was not too pleased with having the devil’s nectar at the celebration of our covenant with God (I wasn’t even allowed to listen to secular music growing up). Yet this was something important to Keith and me, so we stood our ground. This item was not negotiable.

Compare that to a conversation I had with Keith’s mom Doris about wedding invitations. One of our non-negotiables was to stay within our budget, so I decided to make our wedding invitations. Doris was afraid that the quality would be substandard, and offered to pay for the invitations herself. Being human (and confident in my artistic abilities), I initially wanted to push back and do them myself, but then I reflected on our non-negotiables. Invitations were not included in that list. If accepting Doris’ offer wasn’t going to affect the budget, then what was the harm in allowing her to pay for invitations? Instead of creating more work and stress for myself, I agreed to the deal and moved on to more important issues. If Keith and I hadn’t pre-determined the things that were most important to us, I could have wasted countless hours arguing over invitations and other items that had little importance in the grand scheme of things.

In another example, when Lynn and Richard got married, they wanted a tiny, intimate ceremony in a secluded outdoor setting. They were so committed to having a meaningful, private ceremony that they invited only their four closest friends, and didn’t even tell their families until after they were married. They did this because intimacy and privacy were non-negotiable items. They knew if the families got involved, the wedding would have turned into a three-ring circus.
So begin by finding common ground and defining which items are absolutely set in stone for you and which are flexible. Then write it all down in two columns… "firm" and "negotiable," so when things get hectic (and they will) you can refer to the list. This applies to planning your wedding, but can also relate to anything from buying a house to choosing a private school for your child.

2. Strategic Planning

Once you’ve agreed on your non-negotiables, you can begin creating a strategy for your wedding day and the weeks or months leading up to it. In the business world this is often referred to as looking at something from the "“10,000-foot level,” because you're viewing it broadly, looking at the overall picture rather than the minutia.

Start with the basics…what kind of wedding do you want (small, large, religious, secular?) Will it be in the daytime or the evening? Outdoors or indoors? Just the broad strokes for now. The Visions and Values we discussed earlier determine what your preferences are, and now Strategic Planning will show you how to get there. As a business world example, the marketing strategy for Southwest Airlines is very clear; they're all about being low cost and no frills.. They operate out of smaller cities to achieve this goal and it's been very successful for them. By contrast, American airlines focuses on the business traveler and offers a higher level of service and a wide range of major destinations. In another example, large, prestigious brokerage firms might want to appear more "mom and pop" in order to attract the everyday investor, so they operate out of small suburban offices rather than high rises in Manhattan. These are all strategies. Strategy considers your values and then translates them into overarching goals.
Moving beyond the wedding example, as a couple, a short-term, strategy for the year might include everything from whether you’re having children to whether or not you should let you brother-in-law move in with you. A long-terms strategy addresses long-term questions, like whether you both want to work full time to acquire financial security even if it means your children will be raised by a nanny, vs. living on only one income so one of you can stay home with the kids. See how this relates to Visions and Values?

5. Financial Planning

In planning your wedding, did you argue about money with each other, or with family members? Chances are you did. It's inevitable when dealing with any major expenditure, and a wedding -- with all its emotional content and accompanying stress -- is an ideal breeding ground for financial disputes.

Before tackling money issues, return to step one and review your non-negotiables. These items are your priorities, and they should be the first to receive funding. If there's an argument about how much to spend on party favors vs. catering, refer to those priorities and remind yourself to spend according to your Visions and Values. What's critical and what's flexible?
Make a budget and stick to it based on your ideals. If your vision is to create a dazzling spectacle that will communicate affluence and status, then you probably won't balk about buying the best champagne to accompany the filet mignon and caviar. But if a reverential Buddhist ceremony is the most important element of your wedding, you might be willing to fly in the Dalai Lama for the day.

Everything related to money, regardless of what you're purchasing, depends on your values. Do you save money for a year to pay for a big wedding (or a big screen tv or a down payment on a house) or do you put it on a credit card? If long-term security is a value of yours, then you'll be more likely to save up for a big expense rather than charge it. If you're the instant gratification type, you'll put the whole thing on a credit card and worry about paying for it later.
Financial planning is not the same as budgeting. It's more like a system for setting parameters based on your overall goals and your non-negotiables. A financial plan gives you a roadmap of possible trade offs and options, and helps you evaluate and the various outcomes each option might produce. Of course things will inevitably be shuffled around, but establishing a financial plan keeps you from having to fight over every little item.

Although a budget is necessary as a framework, even in large companies, budgets are merely guidelines, and they're always flexible. Budgets are not set in stone, and like everything else, the trade offs you choose will always hearken back to your Visions and Values, which is at the core of everything across the board. Successful businesses are very clear about this, but couples are not, and this is one of the most important lessons couples can learn from businesses. When couples grow apart, it's usually because their Visions and Values no longer synch up compatibly, and change is necessary or the business/marriage will collapse. A company like Arm and Hammer that sold baking soda for decades had to change its vision in order to stay in business, as did GM when it tried to sell conservative cars to younger consumers with the slogan, "This is Not Your Father's Oldsmobile." Vision is at the root of all these changes. It's at the root of survival, for a company or for a couple.

The trick is to always start by defining the non-negotiables. In business, you may have an approved budget and then discover that an important member of your team is leaving for another job. You’ve already budgeted for the position based on her salary, but the best candidate to replace her commands a higher figure. If your value system dictates that having the best possible talent in that role a priority, then you'll find a way to pay the higher salary. If your value system says that saving money is more important, you'll keep looking until you find someone who will work for the pay you're offering. The decision is made based on knowing what’s important. When businesses do decide to go over budget, they have one of two ways to deal with it… either find more money or take the money from elsewhere in the budget. Using the wedding example, you can also use one of these two options. Finding more money might mean going into debt or having to ask your parents to cough up more. Or you can cut back on something else (if you've got limited resources, you don't really need a $7000 wedding dress, do you?). Remember, when thinking about money, don't think it terms of a limited, immovable concept called a "budget." Think of it as a "financial plan," which gives you much greater flexibility.

3. Defining Job Descriptions

Now that you know what's important to you, what your goals are and how much you’re going to spend to meet them, the next step is to decide who can help you get there.

In the business world we know that projects are completed most effectively when each person involved has a specific role and a clearly defined set of duties. Rather than micro managing, the project leaders (bride and groom) must allow the person in charge of each task to have exclusive decision-making power for that task.

Ken and Maureen had a large formal wedding with 300 guests. As a busy, career-minded couple, the planning details were overwhelming, so they wisely decided to delegate as many tasks as possible to family members and close friends. Maureen’s mother, a gourmet cook, was in charge of the menu, and Maureen was comfortable letting her mother make all the decisions in that area because she was confident that her mother would do a good job.

Ken was in charge of locating and choosing rented tuxedos for himself and his groomsmen. But rather than letting Ken choose the tuxes (working within a pre-determined color scheme and other parameters), fashion-conscious Maureen insisted on having decision-making power about the tuxes, even though she’d delegated the task to Ken. Needless to say, this made the tuxedo-choosing process much more stressful than it needed to be, and it made Ken feel as if Maureen didn't trust him to make a sound decision.

Statistically speaking, most brides enjoy planning their weddings, and most grooms do not. This is why it makes sense to assign roles and tasks not just according to ability, but according to reality. Your partner may be a genius at communicating with his friends or colleagues, but if you put him in charge of sending out invitations and receiving RSVPs, he may flounder helplessly. In the corporate world, a secretary would not be expected to clean the office floors, and a janitor would not be expected to keep track of the boss’ appointments. A good HR manager will clearly define roles and expectations so that everybody knows exactly what’s expected of them. Using the wedding model, the roles of partners, parents, bridesmaids and others must be clearly defined. In business, tasks are assigned according to an individual’s capability, and time frames are established for when each of those tasks must be completed. This can apply to planning a wedding, doing the grocery shopping or cleaning out the cat's litter box.

For our wedding, Keith and I each had a list of tasks to perform. Keith’s job was to handle the DJ and the honeymoon, and he had full decision-making authority in that area. He could hire whatever DJ he liked, chose the music, and make all the decisions about hotel, flight times, attractions and other details of the honeymoon. My job was to handle everything else. Certainly it was not an equal distribution of labor, but the tasks were assigned according to ability and reality. Keith was studying for the bar at the time and didn't have a minute to spare, and in a supportive business environment, a good HR manager will make sure employees assigned based on capacity as well as skill.

One of the things top-level executives learn early in their careers is how to delegate responsibility. It’s not just a stress reliever… it’s a necessity. Imagine a CEO trying to run a Fortune 500 company all by herself.

Using the wedding model, bridesmaids and groomsmen are there to serve as your attendants. They are there to assist you, acting as your employees for the project, and in that sense should be selected for their abilities. In choosing a maid of honor or best man (your key employees), be sure they’re up to the task. Will they help you plan and execute the wedding, or will they just stand around waiting for the party to start? Can you count on them to put out fires, act as gatekeepers, run errands and be pillars of support?

Make sure people are capable of the tasks you give them. Make sure they’re willing to perform those tasks. Be specific about tasks and time frames. Hold your ground. The key is to establish criteria ahead of time.

4. Project Management

With so many moving parts, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the enormity and complexity of this project. That’s where Project Management comes in.

Your wedding is your first project as business owners, and if you have not worked together before, this project is an opportunity to learn a lot about each other’s styles, values, focus, decision-making ability, organization skills, family dynamics and personality quirks. Emotions can run extremely high, and without proper goal setting, financial planning, division of labor and communication tools, your wedding -- or any other project -- can turn into a logistical nightmare.

In thinking of your wedding as a business project, it is important to identify the major players. You and your partner are the CEOs of the company. Your bridesmaids and groomsmen are your staff. Your parents -- if they’re paying for the wedding -- are your investors, and as such may have the right to some creative control. Your guests can be compared to the company’s customer base or clientele, and the professionals who provide catering, music, photography, etc. are your company’s vendors.
To manage a project like this, there are two vitally important requirements… identifying expectations and proactive communication. One effective tool you can use is to determine if your goals are SMART:

Specific See and state clearly what you want
Measurable Can you expect tangible results?
Actionable Can you take action rather than just talking about an idea?
Realistic Is it feasible, do-able, and not out-of-reach?
Timebound Know when you want it. Set a date.

More often than not, when people don’t meet your expectations it's because they weren't clear about what was expected of them. And guess what? The responsibility for this clarity lies squarely on your shoulders. In the wedding example, let's say Aunt Jackie is very artistic and you want her to be involved in the big day. There’s a big difference between “Aunt Jackie, will you help me with my wedding?” and “Aunt Jackie, will you select three options for flower arrangements that match my cream and sage color scheme by Wednesday of next week?" Carrying this example forward into an actual marriage, your husband will be more likely to meet your expectations if you say, "Let's take turns cleaning the bathroom on alternate weeks" rather than "I wish you'd take more responsibility for keeping the bathroom clean."

In order to be clear about our expectations, we not only have to learn to communicate more effectively we also have to let everybody involved know about the progress of the project on a regular basis. This can be done by scheduling regular meetings, and these meetings can take any form that works for you, from lunch dates and conference calls to walks around the block or slumber parties.

Keith and I put together extensive notes for our wedding planning meetings. We met every week to review our progress, share ideas and move items from the "to do" list to the "completed" list. As things progressed there were plenty of last-minute changes and obstacles, but we had a system for dealing with the unforeseen and unexpected (see Item 7, Managing Change).

6. Performance Reviews

After it's all said and done, after the wedding, the purchase of a house, the big, expensive vacation or the move to another state, how is it working out? What were your goals in launching this project, and have those goals been realized?
These questions are part of a business concept called Performance Reviews. In business, these reviews can refer to everything from the performance of an employee to evaluate whether he/she deserves a raise or a promotion to evaluating vendors, investments and strategies.

All good businesses take time to reflect and evaluate what’s working what isn’t, and then take decisive action to make the necessary changes. In the wedding scenario, it's helpful to look back and evaluate how well each of you played your respective roles. Did you do what you committed to do? What went right, what went wrong, and what could have been done better?

This little exercise is a useful tool for practicing how to carry out performance reviews in your household. But be aware that these reviews should only happen when both of you are in an open, trusting state of mind. It's not an opportunity to bash or to judge each other, nor is it about correcting or diminishing someone's contribution. Performance reviews should contain equal parts of compliments and complaints. Using the wedding example, if the bride was in charge of locating a venue and she did it far in advance of the agreed-upon deadline, compliment her good work. If the groom was in charge of hiring a DJ and managed to find the best DJ in New York and get a discount on the fee, praise him for his business savvy. If there is a complaint or conflict, always compliment first, or "stroke before you strike." Instead of saying, "You've been late for every meeting we've scheduled," say instead, "You did such a good negotiating with the caterer. Thank you so much for that. But I also need to tell you that being late for our last three meetings caused a lot of disruption."

When you sit down as a couple to review, imagine yourselves as sitting in a boardroom surrounded by business colleagues, and behave accordingly.

7. Managing Change

The techniques described above can't guarantee that everything will go perfectly, because there will always be random events, either natural or man-made, that can throw a wrench in the works. For us it was a hurricane.

From an outsider’s point of view, our wedding was a disaster. I grew up in Florida, and we decided to host our ceremony near Orlando. Although there hadn’t been a hurricane in Central Florida for more than 20 years, Hurricane Charlie swept through the day before my nuptials and left major damage in its wake (nature never negotiates). In the midst of this catastrophe, our family and friends were taking trains, planes and automobiles into the bad weather, despite firm warnings against traveling to the area. We had to improvise with clothing, food and much of the prep work, and the stress was indescribable. Despite all this, our wedding was wonderful, and to this day our friends say it’s the best wedding they’d ever attended.

This is an area where it’s all about flexibility and willingness to change. When I was at GE, we had a concept called a "workout." In these workouts, a team of managers sequestered themselves in a room and confronted whatever changes they were facing. Sometimes it was a matter of a big customer backing out at the last minute, or a sudden financial shift. We began by reflecting on our non-negotiables and then started brainstorming with an "anything goes," attitude. These sessions often took several hours, but we were able to come up with solutions and strategies to address the problem.

In the case of the hurricane wedding, the phone lines weren’t working and we couldn’t get in touch with anyone. The goal had changed from celebrating our love to ensuring people’s safety. We had to move our egos and expectations out of the way… fast. We sifted through our non-negotiables and found the most important one, which was to get married, with or without a celebration. As long as we had a minister we could achieve our primary objective, and once we realized that, it was much easier to roll with the punches and go with the flow.

This principle for managing change can apply to any unexpected event, be it a death in the family, loss of a job, or a car breaking down. In a marriage, in a household, in life, nothing can be predicted, and nothing controllable. When everything seems to be falling apart, the only place to go is to your Visions, Values and non-negotiables.

Let's look at one scenarios of unexpected change. You land great job on the other end of town, and you decide to move rather than deal with the miserable 2-hour commute. You buy a wonderful house, move your family in, get your kids established in school and begin to put down roots in your new community. But a year later your employer company decides to move the company to a larger facility in another state. Although you're offered an excellent relocation package and a big raise, your wife doesn't want to leave her high-paying, satisfying job, nor does it make sense to move again so soon. What to do? Can you live on your wife's income while you look for a new position in the same city? How do you decide which of you should give up a job you love? Could you move out-of-state with your company while you wife and kids stayed behind, and manage a long-distance relationship?

Once again, it's all about Vision and Values. If the school system where you're living is the best in the country and your children's education is your primary value, that's quite a different picture than if career advancement is your priority. If both of you are on a high-level career track and changing jobs would set you back, then your careers have a higher value than your children's education. Is marital togetherness one of your core values? If so, then a dual-residence relationship isn't even on the table for discussion.

Using the business principles described here, almost any issue can be addressed and resolved rationally and effectively. In my household we run things from a very left-brain perspective, using logic, organization and analytical thinking. That may not be workable for all marriages and all personality types, but I'm certain that there are hidden gems in these principles that can work, in some form or another, for everybody.

In the following chapters we'll explore each of these seven principles in detail.